Dear President Trump,
I wanted to thank you, sir, for hosting my coming out ceremony on September 26th. While the day itself was festive, it truly is the party that keeps on giving!
People who attended have told me that just thinking about the event makes them breathless. The feelings are so overwhelming, they say they struggle to replenish oxygen. Some even say it gave them chills! The emotional weight of my nomination makes them need to lie down for a few hours. There is such a desire for me to be on that court, their bodies have been aching for days!
The fever for change is running high in Washington, Mister President, and I am proud to be a vector.
I will not let you down,
Dear First Lady Melania Trump,
Mrs. Trump, I want to thank you for the great taste you showed in your radical renovation of the Rose Garden prior my announcement event.
Speaking of taste — some who were there two weeks ago have told me they lost their own ability to make out taste in the days since my little party. Smell too. Has that happened to you?
Dear Senator Mike Lee,
I very much look forward to my upcoming confirmation hearings in front of your committee, and I appreciate your support. I know that these things are a major headache, but as you might have guessed from the event you attended, I am comfortable with unsanitized truth. Hopefully I, you, and a majority of like minded senators will pass the committee’s temperature check so that my jurisprudence will be fully unmasked.
Thanks for the give and take,
Dear Kellyanne Conway,
Madam, you sure have a way with words. I don’t know how you keep from getting a sore throat!
I know George couldn’t make it. Hope you brought him home a little something to commemorate the day.
P.S. Do you ever get a sore throat? Because a friend who attended has a nasty one now. So weird. Let me know if you have a quick cure!
Dear Hope Hicks,
Hey pretty! I’m so honored that you are back with the Trump team, and that you were able to make my ceremony. I know you said you were feeling shutout for weeks on end while away from the White House. It must be so wonderful to hug and kiss and touch and spread the love among your friends and colleagues!
Young women like yourself are the future, and I know I speak for many when I say your spirit is infectious.
Let’s do lunch!
Dear Father John Jenkins,
Father, your mentorship and friendship during our shared years at Notre Dame have been true career highlights. Looking out at you at my announcement event, I could see you getting choked up. It was a little concerning, actually.
We’ve shared so much over the years. Glad to have this one more thing!
Yours in faith,
P.S. I asked Kellyanne for some sore throat tips.
Dear Governor Chris Christie,
Hey there. I know we didn’t get a chance to speak much at my White House ceremony, but I am nevertheless glad you could make it.
I know you said that you haven’t felt tested since leaving the governor’s office. Hopefully you’ve found new ways to get tested in the days since we talked!
Dear Senator Thom Tillis,
I want to continue the conversation we started at my event regarding all of the ills that are plaguing Washington. I agree that the symptoms of corruption are spreading at a rapid pace.
We must fight through the congestion. Perhaps our upcoming trials will help us find a cure!
Dear Kayleigh Mcenany,
Please don’t feel bad about saying I was a Rhodes Scholar. Just this past summer I experienced a spell of mental fog myself. Your career is young and statistically likely to recover.
A little birdie overheard you say things have been spinning on your end since my little event. Hope I can give you many more viral movements to get us some press!!
Dear Pastor Greg Laurie,
Pastor, I deeply appreciate your attendance at my nomination ceremony. It has been stated that “the dogma lives loudly within” me. I’m sorry to hear that ever since my event, something’s been living loudly within you as well.
They say government is a three pronged stool, and many others who attended my event have reminded me that the stool is loose at the moment. Trust that I will help the judicial branch stand with the evangelical community to stop the odiferous flow of bad ideas. Even when current events make us nauseous, we mustn’t let our constitutions, internal or governmental, turn leaky.
Your sixth vote and possible patient zero,