Mr. President, sir, we understand that your careless words and dangerous incitement got you banned from Twitter, Facebook, and most other social media platforms. This was surely the right move. Your tweets, in particular, have ranged from sophomoric to deadly, and that’s not the greatest way for the leader of the free world to bide his time.
However, we, the members of the National Association of Theatre Owners, do want to take the opportunity to invite you to any one of our thousands of multiplexes across the country, where you will be free to shout “Fire!” to your heart’s delight. No, we cannot give you millions of followers, retweetable QAnon conspiracy theorists, or access to hashtags, but we can give you stadium seating and popcorn. You like popcorn, don’t you Mr. President?
We know that shouting “fire!” in a populated theater is the proverbial limit we Americans place upon free speech. But that’s just the thing: we don’t have any crowds right now. In fact, your now-banned Twitter account is a big reason why that is. Because of your earliest and most dismissive tweets encouraging Americans to not wear masks or even take this “hoax” pandemic all that seriously, this nutty virus was left to fester. And so here we are, at home watching Netflix like everyone else.
Despite the lack of crowds, we promise that shouting “fire!” will still feel comfortably reckless. Your voice is quite distinct, so if you yell it loud enough, there’s the chance any one of the outdoor diners at the restaurants next door could hear. Many of our theaters are near strip malls, some of which are at like a quarter capacity. That’s not nothing.
To be clear, you don’t even have to limit your words to “fire!” either. If you want to come up with a C-grade nickname for your new enemy Mike Pence, feel free to workshop it. Or maybe you wanna run through your least favorite Celebrity Apprentice contestants and “fire” them? Teresa Giudice surely has it coming. Hell, you can even bring your golf clubs, hit a few rounds, and scream “Fore!” in our (non) crowded theaters as loud as you want. We don’t care. Just give us your business.
To further entice, we should let you know that many of our theaters have been practically abandoned all fall. Perfect place to hide things. Like, we don’t know—stolen Republican votes? We’re not saying for certain that there are ballots marked “Trump” and “Loeffler” stashed under our seats, but we’re also not saying there’s not. You’ll just have to come and see for yourself.
It won’t even cost all that much. We’ll charge you a Giuliani-and-a-half for the first hour and a Jenna Ellis every hour after that. You can surely make up whatever we charge with a few quick texts to your supporters. You are still allowed to text, right?
We would say this is an offer you can’t refuse, Mr. President, but if your time in office has taught us anything, it’s that you most always refuse offers that you should take, and take offers that you should refuse. So let’s just say that this is an offer that Crooked Hillary, Rosie O’Donnell, and Georgia’s Secretary of State have all called irresponsible. You don’t wanna be like them, now do you, Mr. President?
Just let us know. We have the time. So much time. As you yourself will soon.
You can even bring Ivanka. Or Don Jr. Or one of the other ones. You’ll be like the “Fire!”-shouting von Trapps. They needed to flee Nazis, too.
So come one, come Eric—just come. Supporting us in our time of need will literally be the most responsible thing you’ve done in four years.